“I don’t wanna spend my life jaded
Waiting to wake up one day and find
That I let all these years go by
Have you ever spent so much time waiting for another person to do something…anything…throw out some sort of signal, some sort of sign, of where your relationship stands or where it’s heading? Oh, I don’t know, maybe a few words that puts some reassurance into your soul that maybe, just maybe, you’re the one that they want to spend the rest of their forever with? Did you spend a little time waiting? Or did you go the full monty and wait years. And years. And years.
Ugh. Yes. I was #3.
Now, don’t think is a throw down, a trash fest or a throw me under the bus story. Nope. Not from me. Because I’m all about the accountability and the only thing I worry about is my own sandbox. I am responsible for my actions, good and/or bad. My behavior, good and/or bad. My outcome, good and/or bad. And, in this instance, this time that I spent blindly hanging on to any little rope that I could find, for some clue, some sort of anything, was my issue. And while, for a long time, I mourned the ending of this one-sided love as a time that, “surely, he’ll wake up and realize that I’m the one,” was not about him at all. It was about finding me. And that was the best thing ever.
You see, I was, for quite a number of years,
A time where I had spent so many years caring for and taking care of everyone else except myself, that I was left depleted, angry, frustrated and empty. And no one listened. No one heard. I was literally drowning on dry land and I blamed so many for not helping me, for not coming to my rescue to save me. Because it was my time to learn that I had to save myself. Of course no one came, where would the lesson be in that? If you can’t learn that you are your own little hero, you’re own savior of sorts, your own reliable source of strength, endurance and wherewithall, then that is a shame because you’re never going to understand what this world is all about.
So I spent my time romanticizing that everything that I didn’t have was going to come true with what I now had. And with every brick thrown at me (not actually, of course) with the words, “He’s Just Not That Into You” written on the side that flung through the air like a feather and whacked me upside the head, leaving me with a concussion and feeling completely horrible, I brushed it away and ignored it like it never happened. With every person who came to me and said, “You know, seriously, what are you doing?!,” I shook off the response as if the words were never spoken. Because everyone knew that I had to learn the lesson and not the other way around.
So, thousands of tears, hundreds of fake smiles, wandering around in my mind and my soul like a lost child, the ultimate collapse of my complete immune system that tooks years to recover, and the help of an excellent clinician, I land here today. With no tears, with real smiles, and a sense of self-image that I lost so long ago. One day, I remember praying to God that he send me back to the time when I was an early teen. I had a “take no prisoners, I can do anything,” attitude so I can find that girl and bring her back. And He answered me. I can’t pinpoint the day, the time, or the hour. But He did. And for that and so many other things, I am forever indebted.
And I did. I stopped wasting time. I rebounded. I found young Kathy. I set goals. I set purposes. I set my life. As it should be. As it should have always been. No exceptions. No regrets. Life is the most precious commodity that we have on this earth. Nothing tangible will ever replace the time we are given to love, to laugh, to sing, to dance. Don’t waste it. Not one precious second.
“Oh I don’t wanna’ keep on wishing, missing
The still of the morning, the color of the night
I ain’t spending no more time
I sure do.